by Tucker Dean Smith

CAST OF CHARACTERS:

MY GOODNESS: 20s–50s. A polite suburban housewife not certain what she wants but certainly worried what the neighbors will think about it. Female. Any race.

GOSH: 20s–70s. An affably eerie margarine salesperson. Any gender. Any race. 

—

(A doorbell rings, and the lights come up. It is a cheerful day in a cheerful suburb, and a person named GOSH is covered in blood. They stand at the door of a house, having just rung the bell. They are dressed in business-casual clothes, and beside them is a small suitcase. The owner of the house, MY GOODNESS, opens the door. She’s wearing an apron. She recoils when she sees the blood-soaked GOSH.)      

GOSH: Good morning! My name is Gosh, and I’m here on behalf of Merry Mary Margarine. Do you feel your margarine needs are being met?      

MY GOODNESS: My…?      

GOSH: Margarine is an important part of a balanced diet. It’s high in omega-6 fatty acids, which are referred to as essential fatty acids. “Essential” means “vital,” which of course comes from the Latin “vita,” which means “life,” so I don’t have to connect the dots for you there. Speaking of dots, Merry Mary Margarine also functions as skin cream!      

MY GOODNESS: Um…I’m–I’m sorry, I don’t want to buy any margarine.

GOSH: Oh, that is a shame! Have you already got your pantry stocked for the week? Because, of course, you can always have more margarine! There’s no such thing as too much, and margarine can last for months before expiring.      

MY GOODNESS: I’m sorry, are you alright?

GOSH: Me? Well, that’s kind of you to ask, ma’am. I’m doing quite well. How are you?

MY GOODNESS (More on instinct than anything): I’m…fine. Are you sure–

GOSH: Only fine? I am sorry to hear that. What did you have for breakfast?

MY GOODNESS: Cereal. I’m sorry, are you sure you’re okay?

GOSH: I’m splendid, ma’am. May I come inside? I have some margarine samples that I think you–

(GOSH moves as if to come inside, but MY GOODNESS blocks them.)

MY GOODNESS: No.

GOSH: Oh?

MY GOODNESS: I just mopped.

GOSH: I see. Well, I’d be happy to set up my samples out here–

MY GOODNESS: Who are you?

GOSH: My name is Gosh, ma’am. I’m here on behalf of Merry Mary Margarine.

MY GOODNESS: Do you have a card?

(GOSH reaches into a pocket and produces a card. It is completely soaked with blood. GOSH hands it calmly to MY GOODNESS. Slowly, MY GOODNESS takes the card. She squints at it, trying to read the print. GOSH waits patiently. Finally, MY GOODNESS drops the card on the ground. She wipes her bloodied hands on her apron, then removes it, folds it, and sets it to the side.)      

MY GOODNESS: Where does Merry Mary Margarine operate from?

GOSH: Across the country.

MY GOODNESS: What’s in that suitcase?

GOSH: Margarine samples. Would you like to try some?

MY GOODNESS: What makes this margarine different from all other margarine?

GOSH: I think if you try a sample, you’ll be able to tell.

(GOSH smiles brightly.)

MY GOODNESS: Open the suitcase.

GOSH: Would you like to try a sample?

MY GOODNESS (Firmly.): I would like you to open the suitcase.

GOSH: Of course! If you’ll just give me a moment, I’ll get everything set up.

MY GOODNESS: Put the suitcase on the ground and open it.

(GOSH gently tips the suitcase over and lays it on the ground. Instead of opening it, they straighten and look to MY GOODNESS.)

GOSH: Why were you wearing an apron?

MY GOODNESS: The same reason anyone does. Open the suitcase.

GOSH: Were you cooking? Do you use margarine when you cook? Or maybe you weren’t cooking at all.

MY GOODNESS: Open the suitcase.

GOSH (With a laugh.): My Goodness, you are eager.

(MY GOODNESS stops.)

MY GOODNESS: I’m sorry?

GOSH: I said you’re eager. To see the margarine.

MY GOODNESS: You said “My Goodness.”

GOSH: Maybe I did. It’s a perfectly common turn of phrase. What you’ll find uncommon are the fantastic prices and even more fantastic flavors of Merry Mary Margarine!

MY GOODNESS: My name is My Goodness. How do you know my name?

GOSH: I don’t.

MY GOODNESS: You do. 

GOSH: I do now. We’ve never met before. Why would I know your name?

MY GOODNESS: Not “how?”

GOSH: Hm?

MY GOODNESS: “How would I know your name” implies you don’t have the means; “why” implies you have the means but not the motivation.

GOSH: Are you a very motivated person, My Goodness? Do you take what you want?

MY GOODNESS: Open the suitcase.

GOSH: Are you married, My Goodness? Do you have children? Do you prepare meals for anyone but yourself?

MY GOODNESS: Open the suitcase.

GOSH: I ask, of course, because we offer Family-Size packages of Merry Mary Margarine.

MY GOODNESS: Open the fucking suitcase.      

(GOSH smiles.)

GOSH: No.

(MY GOODNESS pushes GOSH to the ground and hunches over the suitcase to open it. She unzips it, but as she starts to pull it open, GOSH grabs her wrist. They sit up from the ground. Both of them are now crouched on opposite sides of the suitcase. Blood drips from GOSH’s hand down MY GOODNESS’s arm.)

GOSH: What have you wanted?

MY GOODNESS: I want to open the suitcase.

GOSH: That wasn’t my question.

MY GOODNESS: I don’t need to answer you. This is my home.      

GOSH: And this is my suitcase.

MY GOODNESS: Why are you here?      

GOSH: To tell you about the life-changing products offered by Merry Mary Margarine. From Blue Spice to Gold Sweet, Merry Mary Margarine provides any flavor of margarine your recipes might demand. (MY GOODNESS tries to pull her arm free from GOSH, but GOSH is too strong.) Are you wearing an apron to cook? Or because you’re the kind of person who looks like she should be wearing an apron?

MY GOODNESS: What does that mean?

GOSH: I wonder who you might be cooking for. I wonder who else lives in this house. Or who else has lived in it, if we want to spend some more time in the pluperfect tense. Which reminds me, Merry Mary Margarine offers a delicious Plum Perfect plum-flavored margarine.

MY GOODNESS: Is there much market for flavored margarine?

GOSH: Of course. We only sell what people want.

MY GOODNESS: I want you to let go of me. 

(GOSH lets go. MY GOODNESS slowly pulls her arm back towards her body. She looks at the suitcase.)

GOSH: What else do you want? 

MY GOODNESS: Who are you?

GOSH: My name is Gosh. I’m here on behalf of Merry Mary Margarine.

(MY GOODNESS stares at the suitcase.)

MY GOODNESS: Did someone send you here?

GOSH: I’m here on behalf of Merry Mary Margarine.

MY GOODNESS: I didn’t–(She stands up and wipes the blood from her arm on her apron.) I don’t know what you want from me, but–

GOSH: I am here to help you get what you want, My Goodness. I’m here to fill your life with joy and your cupboard with margarine.

(MY GOODNESS looks at the suitcase, then glances around anxiously.)

GOSH (cont.): Are you concerned that your neighbors might see you’ve stained your apron? If so, I would be happy to go inside and set up my margarine samples there.

MY GOODNESS: Did you knock on their doors?

GOSH: Not yet.

(MY GOODNESS stands over GOSH, who is still on the ground beside their suitcase.)

MY GOODNESS: “Has lived” isn’t pluperfect. “Had lived” is pluperfect.

GOSH: Have you lived?

MY GOODNESS: What does that mean?

GOSH: Living? It means acting on desires.

MY GOODNESS: I don’t know if that’s true.

GOSH: Living also demands a certain amount of uncertainty. Just like some recipes demand a certain amount of margarine. (GOSH calmly begins to zip up the suitcase.) To live is to have the potential to fulfill desires. One is no longer living when one has exhausted all of one’s potential. Or when someone has robbed one of that potential. (They stand and turn the suitcase upright again beside them.) Would you rather be robber or robbed in that circumstance?

MY GOODNESS: Which would you rather?

GOSH: Turning a choice around on someone else doesn’t mean that you don’t have to make it. It just means you’re inviting someone else to join you. Just like you might invite someone to join you for tea, biscuits, and margarine. You would have to put on a clean apron first, of course. But wouldn’t it be nice to have company in the house?

MY GOODNESS: Who sent you? And don’t say–

GOSH: I’m here on behalf of Merry Mary Margarine.

MY GOODNESS: And why does Merry Mary Margarine know about my husband?

GOSH: Not “how?”

MY GOODNESS: What?

GOSH: “Why,” not “how?” Is that the question you want answered?

MY GOODNESS: I want any question answered. I want…Open the suitcase.

GOSH: Why do you want that?

MY GOODNESS: You know.

GOSH: I know that Merry Mary Margarine offers prices that no competing margarine brand can match. I know that Merry Mary Margarine has sixteen original margarine flavors and five more in development. I do not know why, in a world with such robust margarine opportunities, you would be so frightened of a suitcase.

MY GOODNESS: I’m not frightened.

GOSH: Then why didn’t you open it? What do you think is inside?

(A beat.)

MY GOODNESS: What I have wanted. I wanted to be able to want. I wanted…I wanted to know what it was to want for myself.

GOSH: And so you took a kitchen knife from your tasteful wooden knife block and stabbed your husband in the heart?

MY GOODNESS: Open the suitcase.

GOSH: Do you just want to see it open, or do you want to open it?

(MY GOODNESS looks at the suitcase. GOSH steps aside. MY GOODNESS pushes the suitcase to the ground and falls with it, in a single jerky motion, like a puppet suddenly cut from its strings. She unzips the suitcase. She opens it. The suitcase is full of small plastic tubs. MY GOODNESS lifts one and reads the label.)

MY GOODNESS: “Merry Mary Margarine’s Hearty and Hale Margarine.” (She opens the tub, looks inside, and inhales sharply.) Is this…?

(GOSH comes over and looks inside.)

GOSH: Your husband’s heart in a tub of margarine? It certainly seems to be.

MY GOODNESS: Why…?

GOSH: You killed him so that you could want freely. Have you?

MY GOODNESS: Have I…wanted?

GOSH: Yes.

MY GOODNESS: No. No, I just–I’ve just been in the same house, surrounded by the same neighbors, cooking from the same cookbook.

GOSH: Does this cookbook prefer butter to margarine?

MY GOODNESS: Yes.

GOSH: Well, there you have it.

MY GOODNESS: What do I have?

GOSH: A suitcase full of margarine.

(MY GOODNESS puts the lid back on the Hearty and Hale Margarine.)

MY GOODNESS: Is the rest of it…

GOSH: Merry Mary Margarine recognizes that each customer is an individual with their own margarine needs and wants. That’s why each tub of our margarine has a pinch of something special, just for you.

MY GOODNESS: Is this extortion, then? I pay you, and you don’t go to the police?

GOSH: Both of those events seem likely, but they are not related. I don’t intend to go to the police, whether or not you decide to buy the margarine. If I do, it would be because of a demand for margarine at the police station.

MY GOODNESS: I don’t understand.

GOSH: That seems to be the trouble, yes. Why are you still in this house with its butter-biased cookbooks if you don’t want to be?

(MY GOODNESS sighs.)

MY GOODNESS: I guess killing your husband grants such instant gratification that it…takes the wind out of your sails when it comes to long-term projects like selling a house.

GOSH: Perhaps the gratification of Merry Mary Margarine will help you through that endeavor, if you choose to pursue it.

MY GOODNESS: I don’t know what I want. I killed a man so that I could want, and now I don’t know how to.

GOSH: I see why that would trouble you. Is wanting to want not enough of a desire to satisfy you?

MY GOODNESS: No.

GOSH (Smiling.): I didn’t think it would be.

MY GOODNESS: So what do I do?      

GOSH: My suggestion would be to try some Merry Mary Margarine. That always lifts my spirits.

(MY GOODNESS lifts the Hearty and Hale Margarine and studies it.)

MY GOODNESS: Is it satisfying?

GOSH: Do you want to be satisfied, or do you want a clearer channel to work toward satisfaction?

MY GOODNESS: I just want…It should make sense, shouldn’t it? Living? I’m an adult. I should know how to do it.

GOSH: Should you?

MY GOODNESS: Are you capable of just–making a statement? No question mark?

GOSH: Why do you dislike questions? Certainty and desire are not the same thing, you know. Much in the way that butter and margarine are not the same thing. One is better regarded by the masses, but the other is the real superior.

MY GOODNESS: But I feel like…I should be coming to some sort of revelation now. Something that makes it all click.

(She looks again at the Hearty and Hale Margarine.) 

GOSH: Is that what would satisfy you as a customer?

MY GOODNESS: Yes. No. I don’t know. If I–(Looking at the margarine.) Will it all make sense if I–?

(GOSH steps closer.)

GOSH: What do you want?

(MY GOODNESS hesitates. Then she opens the margarine, scoops some out with her hand, and eats it. She pauses, waiting for something to happen. Nothing does. She looks at GOSH. GOSH smiles blankly. MY GOODNESS eats another scoop of margarine. Then another. She drops to her haunches by the suitcase, opens another tub of margarine, eats a scoop of that too. She eats furiously, desperately. With a mouth full of margarine, she looks up at GOSH.)

MY GOODNESS: I still don’t understand.

GOSH: What do you want?

(A beat. MY GOODNESS swallows the margarine, and the taste hits her. She grimaces.)

MY GOODNESS: A glass of water, I guess.

GOSH: That’s a start.

(GOSH produces a phone or piece of paper.)

GOSH (cont.): How would you rate your customer satisfaction today? 

(Lights out.)

Tucker Dean Smith (she/they) is a writer and playwright. Their work can be found in the independent publication Circle Aleph. She also writes literature guides for the study guide website LitCharts. When not writing, Tucker enjoys watching old movies and spending time with their dogs.